Wedding Planning Basics: How to Prevent Wedding Gift Theft

Michael and Tricia DelGaudio had a perfect wedding day. But the day after their wedding reception at a 

bistro in Brooklyn, New York, the couple realized something was amiss. "When we opened the card box, we 

realized that there was a tear in the top, and only six or so cards were inside," Michael says.

How it Happened

The couple began to retrace the evening and remembered a well-dressed man who everyone assumed was a 

guest -- after the wedding, they learned that he even chatted up other guests, telling one person he 

was a friend of the groom's family, and another that he met the bride at an art exhibit. The mystery 

man had stolen most of the couple's wedding gifts, and despite the fact that he showed up in numerous 

pictures taken during the evening, police closed the case due to lack of evidence, and the presents 

were never recovered.

An Unhappy Pattern

Michael and Tricia soon discovered that wedding gift theft is far from unheard of -- Michael's cousin 

and his best man's mother also had presents stolen from their weddings. Though it's unpleasant to think 

you're vulnerable at your own reception, the reality is that a wedding crasher or staff member can all

-too-easily get away with stealing your gifts when everyone else is distracted and having fun.

What You Can Do

Create an online registry and have the presents sent directly to your house (or another family member's 

house, like your mom's). The best way to ensure nothing is stolen is to spread the word that you'd 

prefer presents mailed to your residence rather than brought to the reception.

Place your gift table far from an exit to make it more difficult for anyone who's trying to steal your 

presents, or...

Forgo having a gift table all together. Instead, visit each table during the reception so that guests 

have the opportunity to hand you envelopes of cash or checks -- but only if they wish to do so. You 

should never ask for cash.

If you spot a wedding crasher, don't be polite and ignore them. Ask your day-of coordinator or an 

attendant to ask the crasher to leave. 

Ask a trustworthy friend to act as gift attendant. Ask him to store the gifts in a secure place (like a 

locked room) rather than displaying them in the open.

If your reception is large (over 300 people) and the site is in a high-traffic area (like in any urban 

setting), consider hiring security, both to prevent theft and to quash any other rowdiness that might 

transpire. 

Think about buying wedding insurance. Coverage from a company like WedSafe will cover stolen gifts as 

long as it's reported right away.

What if It Happens to You?

If you're a victim of wedding gift theft, report it to the police as soon as possible. Get in touch 

with your reception site to see if there are any security cameras that may have caught the crime on 

tape.

Perhaps the toughest part will be explaining the situation to your guests (after all, you really can't 

write thank-you notes for gifts you never received). One approach is to send an email to as many guests 

as you can and give them a rundown of what happened; ask them to spread the word to those whose email 

addresses you don't have. And then send handwritten notes to every guest expressing your thanks for his 

or her attendance. If your wedding was on the smaller side, you could call each guest individually, 

though be prepared for lots of questions about the specifics from concerned friends and relatives.

Wedding Planning Basics: Ceremony Seating 101

Family, friends, and family friends: Where should they sit during your big moment? With parents, stepparents, divorced parents, grandparents, and extended family, all in attendence, you'll need a plan. Here are our guidelines.

Ushers: Who Are They?
You can enlist a few of your groomsmen to play ushers, or you can ask some relatives or friends to seat your guests. The rule of thumb is one usher for every 50 guests. If you're having an intimate ceremony, you may not need ushers, but you might want to put someone in charge of "sensitive" seating issues -- like keeping your mom and step-mom apart.
Ushers really need to know where everyone's supposed to sit -- so print out a list for them!

Traditionally, female guests are escorted to their seats; the usher offers his right arm to the woman, and her male companion follows them down the aisle. (With a group of women, the usher might offer his arm to the oldest woman.)

These days, it's fine for ushers to simply greet guests at the door and lead
them to their seats, saying, "Please follow me."

Taking Sides
Ushers needn't ask guests whose "side" they are on. (In Christian ceremonies, the bride's side is the left side of the church when looking from back to front, and the groom's side is the right; for Jewish services, it's the opposite.) But should someone express a preference for one side or the other (many guests will say they are friends or relatives of the bride or groom), they should be seated where they want to sit. If one side of the family will have more guests than the other, ushers should try to even things out, explaining that everyone will sit together so guests can get the best view possible.

Who Sits Where?
Quick answers to your most frequent seating questions:
Elderly guests should be seated near the front.
Guests in wheelchairs or on crutches should sit at the end of a pew.
The first four or five rows may be reserved for immediate and extended family (like aunts, uncles, cousins, and godparents) and other special guests (like the parents of a child attendant) by tying ribbons across those rows.
Immediate family is seated just before the ceremony begins. Siblings (if they're not in the wedding party) are seated before grandparents and great-grandparents. They sit either in the first row with parents or in the second row with grandparents. Start seating with the groom's side.

If you have step-relatives, make sure ushers know who they are. Step-relatives should be escorted to their seats first -- for example, step-grandparents precede birth grandparents. You may want to reserve a few extra rows directly behind immediate family for step-grandparents and stepsiblings.

If the bride's or groom's parents are divorced, seat the parent who primarily raised the bride or groom in the front row with his/her spouse, and seat the other parent and his/her spouse in the third row.

Alternatively, birth parents may sit beside each other in the first row, or they may share the front row with stepparents. Discuss this in advance to avoid awkward moments.

The bride's mother is always seated last at a Christian ceremony; the groom's mother is seated just before her. (In Jewish ceremonies, parents stand under the huppah with the couple). The seating of the bride's mother signals that the ceremony is about to begin.

Brothers of the bride and groom usually seat their mothers; the head usher can do it if the brothers are in the wedding party, or a brother can seat his mom and then take his place with the other groomsmen.


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Wedding Keepsakes: How to Preserve Your Gown

A gown that gorgeous deserves safe-keeping. Here's how to make sure your gown's greatness will live on:
What It Is
Preservation provides a means of maintaining the quality and appearance of a gown through customized cleaning and appropriate storage. Methods range from savvy self-storage (in a temperate, dry, dark location) to museum-quality preservation.

Beware of any vendors that tell you their warranty is void if you open the box in which your gown is stored.

How It Works
Professional preservationists analyze the fabrics, dyes, weaves, and ornaments of your gown, as well as the composition of stains in order to formulate a customized cleaning plan. In removing invisible soils and other stains from the gown, they remove the potential fabric damage that results when these substances embed in the fabric and undergo chemical reactions. After cleaning, the gown is carefully wrapped in stable archival materials and packaged in an archival Coroplast box (the storage box of choice for most major museums) and should be protected from extreme temperatures, moisture, and exposure to direct sunlight.


Cost
The price of cleaning and preservation will vary with the complexity of a gown's beadwork, train length, and stain damage. A local high-end dry cleaner will charge as much as $100 for standard dry cleaning. Specialized gown preservationists will normally charge between $250 and $500.


Why Do It
Preservation is a fab idea for any bride who spent big for her couture-quality gown, and is recommended if the gown will not be used for more than three years. If a dress is not going to be worn ever again, it may seem silly to save it, but consider the amount of time, love, and money that you invested in
choosing a gown for your wedding. Preservation can maintain the integrity of this important piece of memorabilia. Also, while you might not agree with your family's fashion sense, you can give them the chance to benefit from your good taste by keeping your gown in beautiful condition so that a future bride -- a sister, daughter, or niece -- can wear it at her wedding.


Tips
Before committing, question several establishments regarding their pricing, procedure, and warranties.

Your gown should be preserved as soon as possible after the wedding; however, it is generally safe to wait as long as six months after the ceremony. Until you do send your gown off for preservation, be sure to store it in a dark and dry place, rolled or folded in a clean white sheet.

Shelf Life
Beware of any vendors that tell you their warranty is void if you open the box in which your gown is stored. With professional gown preservation, you can freely remove the gown from the archival box without fear of damaging it in any way -- just wear gloves so the oil from your hands doesn't get on the fabric, and repack it carefully when you're done. Many preservationists claim the gowns will keep for 50-70 years, and some companies even offer a warranty.

Wedding Guests: Reception Seating How-Tos

If you're having 50 guests to a buffet, you may or may not want to give people specific seating assignments. But if you're having 100 guests or more and serving a seated meal, you'll want to make sure everyone's got a specific place to sit. Why? For one, people like to know where they're sitting -- and that you took the time to choose where and who they should sit with. It's also helpful if you're serving several different entree choices, because the caterer and wait staff can figure out beforehand how many chickens, filets, or veggie dishes a given table gets because they (you) know who's sitting there. Read on for tips on how to seat neatly.

The parent-seating question is a flexible one. Set it up in whatever way best suits everybody.

Start Early
We've been at kitchen tables the night before the wedding (or even wedding morning) with a bride and groom just starting their seating chart. Don't let this be you -- you've got more important things to think about at that point! Sure, it's fine to make last-minute changes, but try to get the chart mostly
done at least a week before the big day.

Hit the Keys
Create a new spreadsheet. If you haven't already, insert a column into your guest list document categorizing all the invitees by relationship: bride's friend; bride's family; groom's friend; groom's family; bride's family friend; groom's family friend. This way, you'll be able to easily sort the list and break it down into more logical table assortments. Now you'll need to separate these lists into distinct tables.


Create a Paper Trail
If you're feeling more low-tech, draw circles (for tables) on a big sheet of paper and write names inside them (make sure you know how many people can comfortably be seated at each). Or you could write every guest's name on a post-it to place accordingly.


Head Up the Head Table
A traditional head table is not round, but long and straight, and it is generally set up along a wall, on risers, facing all the other reception tables. It may even have two tiers if your wedding party is large. Usually the bride and groom sit smack-dab in the middle (where everyone can see them), with the maid of honor next to the groom, the best man next to the bride, and then boy/girl out from there.

Flower girls or ring bearers usually sit at the tables where their parents are seating, much to the relief of the bridesmaids and groomsmen. Decide to seat this way, or plan a sweetheart table for a little one-on-one time.

Switch Things Up
But you don't have to do it that way. All the maids can sit on the bride's side, all the groomsmen on the groom's. Or maybe you're not into being on display, or you don't want your wedding party to feel isolated from other guests. Let your wedding party sit at a round reception table or two with each
other and/or with their dates/significant others, and have the head table be a sweetheart table for the two of you. (How romantic!) Another option -- you two sit with your parents and let that be the head table, with the wedding party at their own tables.


Place Your Parents
Traditionally, your parents and your sweetie's parents sit at the same table, along with grandparents, siblings not in the wedding party, and the officiant and his/her spouse if they attend the reception.

But if your or your honey's parents are divorced, and are uncomfortable about sitting next to each other, you might want to let each set of parents host their own table of close family and/or friends .

This could mean up to four parents' tables, depending on your situation -- or have the divorced parent who raised you (or your honey) and his/her spouse/date sit at the table with still-married parents.
(Phew, confusing!)

Remember, the parent-seating question is a flexible one. Set it up in whatever way best suits everybody. If you're unsure, don't hesitate to talk to the parents in question about it before you make your final decision.

Tame Tensions
There may also be situations in which certain family members just do not get along. Maybe they haven't spoken in years. Maybe the last time they saw each other there was a drunken catfight. Understandably, you want to keep them as far apart as possible. Think about these kinds of relationships (or lack thereof) before you even begin making your chart, so you can take them into consideration in the first place and begin by seating Aunt Hattie at table 3 and Aunt Lucy across the room at table 15. Trust us -- they'll appreciate it.


Play Matchmaker
Again, all your college or high-school friends will be psyched to sit at a table together -- and especially if you and your beloved went to the same school and have the same friends, this works out well. It also gives them all an opportunity to catch up with each other, because they may not have seen each other for a while. But again -- reception tables offer a cool opportunity to mix and match your friends and your honey's -- who knows who'll hit it off?

Consider seating friends who don't know each other (yet), but who you think will get along exceptionally well, at the same table -- and the rest is history. It can't hurt!

Wedding Ceremony: Catholic Wedding Checklist

12+ Months Before
Begin to envision your wedding ceremony. Should it be long and symbolic? Short and sweet? Do you want to include all the wedding ceremony traditions or just the highlights?
Pick wedding date and time preferences. Depending on your church, there may be times of year, or even times of the day, which are off-limits. Formal weddings are often held at noon, during High Mass, when a choir is available. A priest must clear weddings during Lent or Advent.
Choose a location and officiant. Remember that most (or nearly all) priests won't marry couples outside a church. In fact, the wedding often must be held at the bride's home parish. The couple may need permission to marry in a different church.
Explore your church's marriage requirements. You may have to show your baptismal certificate. Some churches require proof of communion and confirmation as well.
If either you or your mate isn't Catholic, ask your priest about intermarriage requirements and possible conversion.
If you're marrying in a Roman Catholic Church, you cannot remarry without an annulment if your first spouse is still alive. The process can be long and complicated, so if either one of you needs an annulment, start the paperwork now.

9-11 Months Before
Meet with your officiant to discuss ceremony structure and marriage requirements. Your priest may want to help you to choose readings and blessings for the ceremony.
Begin Pre-Cana, the premarital preparation program required by the Church.
Ask your priest about dress requirements, such as covering one's shoulders for the bride. Also, inquire into any other rules specific to your ceremony site like no aisle runners or tossing items allowed.
Choose your bridal party members. The Catholic Church prefers that both the best man and the maid of honor be Catholic (although only one must be). Make sure they understand what's involved.

If either you or your mate isn't Catholic, ask your priest about intermarriage requirements and possible conversion.
6-8 Months Before
Make arrangements with your church if you or other bridal party members want to participate in morning Mass and receive communion before the wedding.
Consult with your stationer about invitations, programs, and place cards. You may want to order pew cards to ensure close family and friends are seated in the first few rows of the church.
Choose ceremonial music and musicians. "Ave Maria" is traditionally sung at Roman Catholic weddings. Find out if the church provides performers.

3-4 Months Before
Decide who will be part of the ceremony. Most churches allow two family members to read biblical passages during the ceremony.
Consider ceremony and reception decoration needs, such as an aisle runner, flowers, wineglasses, and candles.
Book a rehearsal-dinner site and finalize your guest list.
If you are marrying in a Roman Catholic Church and wish to receive a Papal Blessing, contact the chancery office of your local diocese. They will send you an application to fill out and return to either the diocese or directly to an address in Rome (noted on the application). Some of the information that will be requested is the date of your ceremony and where it will take place, the phone number and address of the priest presiding over your wedding, and so on. There is a small donation fee, which varies from diocese to diocese. Return times also vary, from six weeks to two months.

2 Months Before
Order ceremony programs if you plan to use them. It helps to have programs so your non-Catholic guests will understand the rich spirituality and symbolism of a Catholic wedding.
Contact your church about posting Banns (a notice of your intention to wed). In the past, they were posted outside the church doors to allow anyone with valid reason to stop the wedding. Presently, Banns are printed in the church bulletin or announced during a Sunday service.
Prepare and mail invitations. If you're concerned that your ushers won't know where to sit honorary guests, consider including pew cards for family and friends who should be seated in the first few rows of the church. Guests can present these cards to ushers at your ceremony as a sign that they should be seated in the reserved area. Otherwise, be sure to make introductions at the rehearsal dinner.

3-4 Weeks Before
Have a final meeting with your priest.
Finalize vows, readings, and other special ceremony details.
Send rehearsal dinner invitations.

1-2 Weeks Before
Touch base with your priest.

Day Before
Rehearse the ceremony.

Wedding Budget: How to Negotiate With Wedding Vendors

Even if you're working with the hottest vendor in town, there's always room to negotiate, especially if there's a good reason to reduce costs -- like having the wedding on a less-popular Friday night. Here are some more crucial pointers.
Know the market
Find out what other vendors offer for the same price point, and use this as leverage. Ask about every single thing that's included in your package. Then find out in advance what extras are going to cost -- and whether those costs can be waived.
Stick to your limit
A vendor may be willing to cut you a deal as long as you agree to something additional -- for example, he might consent to give you an extra hour of shooting, but only if you have him take your engagement photos. What you need to ask yourself is whether this will actually cost you more in the end.
Adopt a friendly but firm demeanor
There's no harm in politely asking for a deal. If vendors are excited to work with you, they may be more willing to come up with creative solutions.
Be indifferent
You need the vendor to believe that if he or she won't meet your offer you will walk away. Consider collaborating with your fiance to employ the old good-cop-bad-cop routine.
Practice makes perfect
Try your hand negotiating at a flea market to see what talking style works for you.

Transportation: The Basics

There's more to wedding day travel plans than trying to hide your car from the best man and his arsenal of aluminum cans. We've got the 411 on getting you and your bridal party around.
Early Decisions
Choosing your transportation begins with an assessment of who you have to take with you, and the size of your bridal party plays a big part. If it's just you and two bridesmaids, a slick luxury sedan will get you there in style -- the bride's parents can ride in a separate car. But if you've got a crowd, consider a trendy stretch SUV or Hummer that up to 22 people can pile into. Try to save a seat for the photographer: Candid, wide-angle, or paparazzi-style shots are a surprising favorite.
Afterward, make sure you remember you'll need to transport the two of you and groomsmen as well. Some couples opt for a car for just them and car or cars for everyone else. The choice is yours. If the reception is within walking distance from the ceremony, you can hire a choir, musician, or, say, mariachi band to serenade you.
Limo 101
Since limos are the most common choice, we thought nitty-gritty tips would help ensure your stretch goes smoothly. Ask for recommendations from recently married friends, the caterer, hotel concierge, or reception hall manager.
Play the Blushing Bride. Ask about wedding packages. Some places will offer you complimentary champagne or upgrades just for asking; others will include a discount if you book for the bachelorette and bachelor parties too.
Time It Right. Most limos have to be hired for a three- or four-hour minimum. If your travel plans consist of one 15-minute trip to the church, you might want to go for a less expensive option, like a Lincoln Town Car, which is still technically a limo. If there are several legs to the trip, renting the car for the night may make more sense.
Book Early. Reserve your car at least six months in advance—or more like nine if your wedding is in April, May, or June, which is prom season. Comparison shop to get a decent deal as prices (and quality) can vary wildly. (Hint: Limos that aren't white often cost less.)
Check the Fine Print. Read the contract word-for-word and ask for a statement detailing the costs of the deposit and balance due. Make sure the following is in writing: the date, hours, and pickup locations; amenities; the driver's name and attire; the make, model, and color of the car; plus cancellation and refund policies.
Save Up Front. Place the smallest possible deposit on the bill—20 to 25 percent—to minimize your loss if the service winds up being less than great. Plan on tipping 15 to 20 percent, but check the contract to find out if gratuity is already included.
Drop in on the Car. Make the final reservation in person, not over the phone. That way you can inspect the cars and ask which one you'll be getting. Most places won't guarantee a specific car, but you can get an idea of the fleet.
Meet Your Chauffeur. Have a conversation with your driver ahead of time. Make sure he knows not just where you're going but how to get there. Let him know if you have a special request or heads-up (you'll be bringing sparklers back into the car after the ceremony, for instance).
Assign a Type-A. Designate a bridesmaid to call the driver 20 to 30 minutes ahead of time to make sure your ride is coming on time.
Prepare to Pester. Be sure to get an after-hours phone number of someone at the limo company in case any emergencies come up.
Making Your Exit
Traditional Adieu. For their grand exit, most brides and grooms get into a formal car together, but there is absolutely no reason you have to stick to tradition. Use this opportunity to let everyone see you in your dream car. From a red-hot Ferrari to a Rolls Royce, you can rent cool cars from specialty car rental companies.
Other Au Revoir Rentals. Take off on a vintage Vespa, or create a rustic feel by driving away in a friend's baby-blue antique pickup truck. Or how about a tandem bike for two fitness fanatics? Or sometimes simple is chic: a romantic walk, hand in hand.
Everyone Else
Provide for Your Guests. If you've got a lot of people coming in from out of town, are hosting the wedding events at several different locations, or are having the ceremony in a hard-to-find or hard-to-get-to location, consider renting minivans and shuttle buses, which are good for getting guests to each spot and on time.
Costs for Mass Transportation. Expect to pay $75 to $100 per hour for this kind of mass transit. For a fun alternative, charter a 1920s-style trolley or a double-decker tour bus.
Bridal Parties Top the List. If you don't have a bus going back to the hotels and are leaving in a different car, you should at least make sure transportation is arranged for the bridal party: cabs, another limo, or just enlisting a friend or family member to take each bridesmaid are all acceptable options. Just let each girl know earlier how she should get home so there are no questions that day.
Parting Ways. If you haven't rented a shuttle bus for your guests, you should at the very least provide a taxi phone number so that any guests who've imbibed can make it home safely. You can also plan ahead with a taxi company so that they always have one waiting out front, and they can radio more cars as needed after the party's over. Now get moving.
Transport tip: If you have lots of out-of-town guests, consider renting minivans or shuttle buses to get them around.

Transportation: Costs, Tips & Trends

You know what you're wearing, what you're eating, and who's reading what at your ceremony, but none of that matters if you have no way of getting yourselves (and the wedding party) to the wedding site. (a great task for the groom). These 11 tips will get you ready to roll:
1. What It Costs
You're likely to be charged by the hour (ranging from $40-$75 per hour, depending on the type of vehicle and number of passengers), and you may be required to contract the cars for a minimum amount of time. A 15 to 20 percent gratuity may also be added to your bill. The parking service bill should also reflect a 15 to 20 percent gratuity charge. In this case, make sure guests know not to tip.
2. Ways to Save
Stick with your standard six-person town car instead of a stretch limo -- the former is actually a limo, just not as long. Leave out the TV, full bar, and sunroof. Or, let bride and groom get a ride and have the wedding party carpool it.
3. Parking Protocol
Having your reception at a hotel, restaurant, banquet hall, or special events facility? The site manager may be taking care of parking arrangements and staff. If not (or if you prefer to hire an independent service), here are some guidelines: Valets are attendants that physically park cars for guests upon arrival, retrieve them when guests leave, and staff the parking area for the duration of the event. Non-valet attendants direct traffic, hold signs, point you towards available spaces, and staff the area. The going rate? Around $20-$25 per attendant. Figure five valets (or three or four non-valets) per 100 guests. Knot Note: The parking service manager should check out the location to determine the number of attendants needed before quoting a price. And keep in mind that meager to non-existent parking facilities, massive guest lists, and complicated locations will require more manpower and add to the cost.
4. Guest Issues
Think transporting guests from ceremony to reception isn't your bag? Better hope all your guests are driving. Picture 150 people fighting for cabs during a conveniently timed, post-ceremony thunderstorm. Look into hiring a bus or a couple of minivans if you think this could happen. You also need to consider the distance between ceremony and reception. If the ceremony ends at 4:30 and the reception space (20 minutes away) won't be ready until 5:45, you risk having guests arrive while the space is still being prepared. Those early birds will have to make their own fun, which, trust us, doesn't look good on you. Try to time everything just right. Call the reception site to change the start time, if necessary.

Firm up transportation arrangements 4-6 months before the wedding.
5. Paparazzi Shots
Have your photographer ride along with you. Those glamorous in-car shots (pre- and post-ceremony) are fast becoming a new classic.
6. Sitting Around
Arrange for pick-up and drop-off service only, so that drivers aren't waiting around (and getting paid) for the duration of the ceremony and reception. If there will be no cars waiting, the couple should be assured a ride home (hotel, airport, etc.) when the festivities are over. This is something an honor attendant (usually the best man) should provide or oversee.
7. Prom Bookings
If your wedding falls during prom time or graduation season (late March to late June) you may want to book five or six months before your wedding date just to be on the safe side.
8. Be Prepared
We can't say it enough: prepare a call sheet with names and all pickup/drop off addresses and times, so that you can call to confirm these arrangements with the car company the day before the wedding (or on that morning). The drivers should have this information well in advance, as well as detailed directions to the ceremony and reception sites. Also, make sure that everyone getting a ride has a copy of the directions stashed in their pocket or purse, with an emergency contact number in case the driver gets lost.
9. Drink It Up
Stash some champagne in the car so that you can toast each other on the way to the reception. (The limo company may be able provide the booze and save you the trouble. Ask about this.)
10. Alternate Routes
Of course you're not limited to limos and cars -- we know couples who have gone by way of horse and buggy, sleigh, motorcycle and side-car, roller skates, skateboards, scooters, canoe, even tractors.
11. Let's Go
Want a carefree ride? So do your families and friends! Make sure you've arranged transportation for the bridal party and VIPs, like both sets of parents and grandparents.
12. "Just Married"
If you've always dreamed of departing in a car decked out with dangling aluminum cans, streamers, flowers, and a big "Just Married" sign, leave it to your male attendants.

Stress: Get a Grip on Guilt

He's talking about the honeymoon benefits of Cancun versus St. Thomas, but the only trip on your mind is a big guilt trip. Ever since you started planning your wedding, you've had this nagging guilt: about ignoring your gal pals to plan, about how much cash this affair is costing dear old Dad, about having to cross your best friend from third grade off the guest list. If this sounds familiar, don't worry -- you're not the only to-be-wed wrestling with these dilemmas, especially if you're the bride.
Guilt can really get in the way of a good relationship (and a good time). And because women are more likely than men to feel guilty (women are socialized to "take care" of things -- and people -- and tend to blame themselves if things go awry or feelings are hurt), it's likely that many other brides-to-be feel the same way.
If guilt is consuming your life, you need to reassess what you are taking the blame for.

"Women have expectations and standards as they come into adulthood, from watching Martha Stewart make her own wrapping paper to having mothers who didn't work away from home full-time," says June Price Tangney, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at George Mason University in Fairfax, Virginia. It makes sense that an impending wedding only magnifies that gender gap, leaving your groom wistfully worrying only about what SPF to pack for the honeymoon while you let every little decision eat away at you.
As much as we all like to think otherwise (and as much as we at The Knot are trying to change it), brides often play the larger role in wedding planning (and the wedding itself), so they've got more to be concerned about than their grooms. "The wedding thing as a whole is more important to women because the bride usually plays a larger role in the event," says Gail P. Robinson, Ph.D., past president of the American Counseling Association in Alexandria, Virginia.
Of course, it is your big day, and it's understandable if you cramp a few nights' sleep doing your best to make everyone happy. But if guilt is consuming your life, you need to reassess what you are taking the blame for. Prioritizing your concerns, what you can fix, and what you should just forget about will make the days from now until your wedding night run much more smoothly. Added bonus: Doing so can have a residual positive effect on the rest of your life. As Rabbi Harold S. Kushner says in his book, How Good Do We Have to Be? (Little, Brown & Co, 1996), no one is perfect -- and that includes you.
It's not easy to let guilt go and get on with things. "Guilt is one of the toughest things to shake," says Dr. Robinson. "It's all wrapped up in our sense of self."
Guilt is often tied to self-esteem, the need to be liked, the need to please others (parents, future in-laws, guests), and fear of rejection, says Patricia Averill, Ph.D., a psychologist with the Harris County Psychiatric Center in Houston.
Take guilt over a too-short guest list, for example. Before you start maxing out your credit cards to add more reception seats, sort out your motivations for doing so. Dr. Robinson suggests asking yourself if you feel guilty because you can't afford to spend what you think a "good" person would spend (and/or what people will expect), or whether you're merely disappointed because a shorter and less-expensive guest list means not being able to invite sorority sisters you haven't seen in years. If you realize it's the latter, make changes -- such as springing for a buffet instead of a seated dinner -- to accommodate more guests at a similar price. If it's a matter of how you'll be "seen," recognize that there are some acceptance issues going on here, and remember that the person you most need to please when it comes to your wedding is you. Others are important, but not at your own expense -- mental or otherwise.
Next, talk about it. If your to-be can't comprehend why your stomach is tied in knots over this stuff, try to articulate why having a large group of friends and family at the wedding is important to you and why you really want to find a way to have everyone you want there without breaking the bank. Ask him to help you brainstorm some solutions.
Once you've explained to your sweetie what's making you feel so bad and you've talked through some options together, take control: Act on your decision to cut costs or actively decide not to feel guilty. Assuage yourself by calling left-out parties for a catch-up chat or inviting them over or out -- let them know that they continue to be an important part of your life.
Reward yourself by taking a time out from all this wedding stuff and focusing on some serious play. And whatever you do, don't feel guilty about indulging yourself for a change!

The Groom to English Translator

When it comes to relationships, experts agree that communication is key. So what to do when the groom-to-be stops making sense? It's not that he's not talking, it's that he's talking crazy. Newsflash: Chances are he's equally clueless. In other words, even he doesn't know what he means. Wish you had a cheat sheet to help suss out his true thoughts? Read on.

When he says: "For the reception, let's get the china with the kitty-cat border on it." 

He really means: "Maybe if I pick the worst thing I can find, I'll be off the hook from here on out."

When he says: "My mom has a really neat idea about flowers; you should call her!" 

He really means: "My mom has a horrible idea about flowers that I know you'll loathe, but please be nice about it."

When he says: "The ecru invitation is the best." 

He really means: "All of these samples look exactly the same to me...white."

When he says: "The groomsmen want to know if the ceremony can be at 10 p.m. so they won't have to miss the game." 

He really means: "I'm having a hard time laying down the law with my boys. Could you be the bad cop?"

When he says: "Of course I was listening. Why wouldn't I be listening?" 

He really means: "Babe, I'm human. We've been planning this thing for a year. So no...I was not listening."

When he says: "Hmmm...which to choose? Rubber chicken -- or rubber fish?" 

He really means: "I'll grin and bear it if you ask me to wear the world's most ridiculous boutonniere, but food isn't a joke. Let's make sure it's great."

When he says: "It's up to you." 

He really means: "As much as I love you, I can't even pretend to care about napkin rings."

When he says: "Are pets allowed at the venue?" 

He really means: "I think these plans are getting a little too fancy for my taste."

When he says: "Just tell me what you want me to do and I'll do it." 

He really means: "Just because I can't read your mind doesn't mean I'm not excited. I don't want to disappoint you, so seriously -- please tell me what to do."

When he says: "I found a wedding band on Craigslist! And guess what? They'll play the reception for a hundred bucks...plus beer." 

He really means: "Your willingness to stretch the budget to its breaking point has thrown me into a complete panic."

When he says: "You're not going to get one of those woven bread-loaf hairdos, are you?" 

He really means: "I hope you'll walk down the aisle looking like you -- not some cookie-cutter bride-bot."

When he says: "Forget all this! Let's blow it off and elope in Costa Rica." 

He really means: "You're acting like a total bridezilla and I just want you to be happy."

When he says: "Could our first dance be to 'Welcome to the Jungle,' by Guns N' Roses?" 

He really means: "Could our first dance be to 'Welcome to the Jungle,' by Guns N' Roses?"

Q&A: Wedding Vendors: Do We Have to Feed Them?

Well, it's definitely nice to feed your wedding professionals if they're going to be working a 4-6 hour reception, plus the ceremony. But if your photographer expects a meal, she really should include that in her contract (you might want to mention that to her). You're not exactly obligated, but on the other hand, you can't expect tip-top service from photographers and musicians who are light-headed with hunger, no matter how much you're paying them!
But more seriously: Remember that your caterers will make more food than is needed "just in case," so there will likely be plenty for your wedding professionals to munch on. Or, arrange for the caterers to put together another meal for the photographer, musicians, and others. Simple sandwiches will do. And there may be hors d'oeuvres left over too. Don't worry about it too much -- just mention it to whoever will be in charge of the food, and trust them to provide.

Reception Sites: Points for Your Contract

Here's what should be in your written location contract. Don't sign *anything* until you're satisfied!
Total cost and a line-item breakdown of what's included.
Amount of deposit and when it was paid.
Balance outstanding and when it's due (a payment schedule).
Exact date and time of your wedding.
Exact location of your wedding (e.g., "In Main Gallery," "In Presidential Ballroom").
Detailed list of everything the place will provide (tables, chairs, linens, amplifiers, whatever).
The name of the site representative who will be on hand on your wedding day, and the name of an acceptable substitute.
Proof of liability insurance and liquor license.
Cancellation/refund policy.
Anything else you agree to orally that you want to set in stone.

Is Prewedding Counseling for You?

Think counseling is just for people with problems? Think again. As far as we're concerned, you've got nothing to lose, everything to gain. You'll strengthen your chances of staying together if you learn the skills needed. This is especially relevant in today's climate; with divorce so prevalent, many couples don't have role models to follow. Counselors can step in and become your relationship exper.
Timing is Everything
Prewedding counseling has one distinct advantage: Learning how to communicate and work through problems is a lot easier before rather than after the wedding. Once you're married, you both already have unspoken expectations for each other, never mind the often wacky ideas you got growing up about what married life should be like. Before marriage, you're still in a building stage -- the expectations are there, but it's easier to be open about the issues that threaten difficulty. And by learning how to talk through differences, you will form good habits that will carry you through the years.
looking for a counselor?
Search for premarital counselors in your area.
Find an Ear
There are several ways to tackle this sticky subject. You might decide to visit a psychologist or marriage and family therapist to thrash out issues that plague you. But you may not even have to go that far: Most houses of worship require to-be-weds to participate in counseling sessions before they'll let you march down their aisles.
Out the Issues
Counseling can help you recognize where your partner stands on a variety of topics, and where his or her priorities lie, which will confirm your sense of yourselves as a couple -- or, in some cases, open your eyes to the fact that you might be making a mistake. What's there to talk about? Religion, children, finances, habits, and family issues, among other things. And even if you generally communicate well, there may be specific issues you'd like some help working through.
Face the Facts
So how do you know if premarital counseling is for you? It depends on your existing ability to communicate with each other. Every marriage presents difficulties and obstacles, and communication will be what helps you overcome them. If you have trouble talking through the issues in your lives -- and we mean really talking -- it's smart to learn how to do it now, when you're engaged.
Where to Go
If your house of worship doesn't provide premarital counseling -- or you're having a civil ceremony -- check our local listings to find a premarital counselor in your area, or call the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy at (703) 838-9808 to find a certified therapist near you. If you're uncomfortable about professional therapy or unable to afford it, contact local community centers, colleges, or universities to inquire whether they offer marriage-building workshops.

Just Engaged: Your First Wedding Planning To-Dos

Once the initial shock of being engaged wears off (and you take a second to peel your eyes away from that sparkly ring on your finger!), you'll need to make a lot of decisions. Don't get overwhelmed -- here are the first nine things you need to do after you get engaged.

Set a Timetable

The first thing to consider is how long your engagement will be. This will depend on a couple of factors, such as your ideal wedding date and how much time you'll need to prepare. A typical engagement lasts anywhere from six months to a year and a half or more. If you got engaged during the holidays but always wanted a summer wedding, make sure you've got enough time to plan without making yourselves wedding-crazy, and keep in mind that many of the best vendors and reception sites book a year or more in advance.

Envision the Style

Your wedding style will be reflected first and foremost in the location, whether it's a luxe ballroom or an intimate backyard reception. Discuss with your fiance where your wedding will take place (in one of your hometowns or in the city where you currently live, for example), and then start scouting sites that can accommodate your wedding style. Use theknot.com/local to find reception venues in your area.

Set Your Budget

In the end, dollars, not dreams, are a main determining factor for the size and style of your wedding. So, what affects the price tag?

Formality: In general, the more formal the reception, the more expensive, considering you'll have to match the site, food, and decor to the overall upscale tone. 

Date and time: Saturdays, summer months, and evenings tend to be the most costly times to have a reception. 

Location: In many cases, a wedding in a major metropolitan area is simply more expensive than in a smaller town.

For interactive budgeting help, use our online wedding budget tool.

Determine a Date

Choosing a wedding date can be tougher than you'd think. There are a few things to consider: How much time will you need to prepare for your wedding? Do any loved ones having a conflicting graduation, vacation, or pregnancy due date? If you have your heart set on a particular place, caterer, band, or photographer, the availability of these crucial vendors may also play a large part in your decision. Try to avoid dates of big conventions or other events that draw large crowds, since that might make it harder for out-of-town guests to get hotel rooms. Find out more wedding dates to avoid here.

Once you've picked the date, start your wedding checklist for a to-do list of what to do when.

Announce Your Engagement

Call your local newspaper, your alumni magazine, and anywhere else you want your engagement announcement to appear. Find out the name of the appropriate editor or department and ask for the writer's guidelines or a standardized form, if available. Also, ask if there's a fee for publication. Here's what you need to know if you want to have an engagement photo session, plus a list of contacts for major newspapers.

You can also broadcast the news with a free wedding website.

Choose Your Attendants

It's time to honor your closest friends and family members by picking your wedding parties. Remember, the earlier you ask, the sooner you can enlist their help. (Here's help if you're not sure who to choose.) Keep in mind that your wedding party is agreeing to spend their hard-earned money and donate their precious time -- be considerate and kind by informing everyone about all your plans, showing them a good time, and making sure they know how much you appreciate them.

Make a Guest List

As you begin to build your guest list, you'll need to consider a number of factors. If you have a particular ceremony or reception site in mind, for instance, you're going to be limited by how many people it can accommodate (you can't squeeze 300 people into a lighthouse). Would you rather have one-on-one time with each guest or to throw a once-in-a-lifetime party for all your friends and family? If Mom and Dad are adamant about inviting throngs of friends and family, you'll have to hear them out -- especially if they're footing a major part of the bill. Obviously, the more relatives you must invite, the larger your list will be. And more guests means a bigger bill, as catering costs are generally calculated on a per-head basis. So, in addition to location, your budget will have a big influence on the size of your guest list.

Create and manage your online wedding guest list.

Consider a Consultant

If you're a super-busy couple, hire a full-time wedding consultant to help you prepare your entire event, from the announcement to the honeymoon. You can also hire a part-time consultant to devise a wedding blueprint -- including budget, schedule, and lists of good vendor and site choices -- before you launch solo into the preparations. Another option is a day-of coordinator (which we definitely recommend), who will make sure everything goes as planned on your wedding day.

Find a consultant in your area with our local wedding vendor search.

Start Gown Shopping

It's never too early to begin thinking about your wedding dress. Start by figuring out which style will look best on you. How? Learn the lingo before stepping foot in a dress salon. Read up on silhouettes, necklines, trains, and hues that might flatter you. Season will also affect your choice. Getting married in the sweltering summer? Go with lightweight fabrics such as chiffon, linen, or organza. Having a winter wedding? Brocade, faux fur, and velvet fabrics will keep you warm. Satin, shantung, silk, and tulle are perfect year-round.

Ceremony: Protestant Wedding Checklist

12+ Months Before
Begin to envision your ceremony. Should it be long and symbolic? Short and sweet? Do you want to include all the rituals or just the highlights?
Choose wedding date and time preferences. Depending on your church, there may be times of year that are off-limits, such as the Holy Week between Palm Sunday and Easter.
Choose a location and officiant. Keep in mind that some officiants won't marry couples outside of a church.
Explore your church's marriage requirements. Some denominations may request proof of baptism or confirmation. Read more on Protestant wedding rituals.
If you and your honey aren't the same religion or denomination, find out from your officiant about prerequisites for interfaith or ecumenical marriages.
If this is the second wedding for either of you, ask your officiant regarding possible church conditions for remarriage.

9-11 Months Before
Meet with your officiant to discuss ceremony structure and marriage requirements. Your officiant may ask you to choose readings and blessings for the ceremony.
Choose attendants and ask them to do the honors. Make sure they understand what's involved. Read more on attendants' duties.
Although most Protestant denominations do not require prewedding counseling, they recommend you meet with clergy to discuss pertinent issues regarding marriage.
Find out from your officiant if there are any dress requirements for the church, such as covering one's shoulders for the bride.

If you and your honey aren't the same religion or denomination, find out from your officiant about prerequisites for interfaith or ecumenical marriages.
6-8 Months Before
Consult with your stationer about invitations, programs, and place cards. You may want to order pew cards to ensure close family and friends are seated in the church's first few rows.
Choose ceremonial music and musicians. See our guide to ceremony music basics.

3-4 Months Before
Talk to people you'd like to do special performances or readings.
Consider specific ceremony and reception decoration needs such as an aisle runner, flowers, and candles.
Book rehearsal-dinner site and finalize guest list.

2 Months Before
Order ceremony programs if you plan to use them. It is helpful to have programs so your non-Protestant guests will understand the meaning and symbolism of a Protestant wedding.
Prepare and mail invitations. Include pew cards for family and friends who should be seated in the first few rows.
Begin working on vows if you're writing your own. Click here for a wedding vow how-to.

3-4 Weeks Before
Have a final meeting with your officiant.
Finalize vows, readings, and other special ceremony details.
Send rehearsal-dinner invitations.

1-2 Weeks Before
Touch base with your officiant.

Day Before
Rehearse the ceremony.

DIY Day-Of Prep: How to Make a Day-Of Wedding Kit

While we hope you don't have emergencies on the big day, it's always better to be safe than sorry. We've come up with a list of all those just-in-case items that will ensure your dream wedding goes off without a hitch. The matron or maid of honor should pack these emergency items in a tote bag and stash the bag in a safe but easy-to-access place during the dinner and/or wedding reception.

Essentials

Aspirin (or pain reliever of choice)

Band-Aids

Bottle of water

Chalk (to cover up any last minute smudges or smears on your wedding dress)

Clear nail polish (for stocking runs)

Corsage pins

Dental floss/toothpicks

Eye drops

Extra earring backs

Extra panty hose

Hair pins/ponytail holder

Hand towelettes

Hem tape

Matches

Mini sewing kit

Safety pins

Scotch tape

Sedatives (don't ask!)

Small folding scissors

Smelling salts (while we don't expect anyone to faint, it has been known to happen)

Spot remover

Static-cling spray

Straws (so the bride can stay hydrated without messing up her lipstick)

Tissues

Tweezers

The matron or maid of honor should keep the following items on hand at all times in a small evening bag for the bride:

Breath mints/spray

Cellular phone

Comb/brush

Cash (because you never know)

Hair spray

Linen handkerchief

Makeup (for touch-ups)

Mirror

Nail file

Perfume

Tampons/sanitary napkins

Optional Items

Granola bars or other easy-to-carry snacks

Krazy Glue (for nail fixes, shoe heels, decorations, even jewels)

Sunblock

5 Favorite Wedding Details of 2010

1. Cutout Photo Props

In 2010, the photo booth solidified its spot as a wedding staple, and we love this little twist on it. Use it as inspiration. You don’t have to have a bride and groom. Think: a muscle man or something that ties into your theme. Tip: When posing, stick your head all the way through the hole if it’s big enough. The picture will look more animated that way.

2. Veggie Centerpieces

Vegetables add a farmer's market, rustic-style look to any pretty little centerpiece. This year, we saw the artichoke rise to fame, and the radish is coming up behind as the breakout star for next year.

3. First-Dance Song Lighters

We nearly died of excitement when we saw this couple’s idea: handing out lighters for guests to wave during the first dance, totally ’90s-concert-style. It’s cute, romantic and gets everyone involved. It also makes for a great photo op.

4. Decked-Out Escort Cards

We’ve seen so many creative and cool escort card displays this year, it was tough narrowing them down for this slideshow. One of our top picks was this sewing-inspired display complete with spools, and the cards were decorated with vintage buttons and pins.

5. Fabric-Inspired Decor

This bride found a few fabrics she loved and then used them all over the reception, from the table linens to the custom-made wine bottle stickers.

5 Ways Facebook Can Ruin Your Wedding

1Someone in your family found out on Facebook.

As soon as you change your status (woot!), there's a family member or friend who's mad they didn't get the announcement via phone. 

Our advice: Before you officially change your Facebook status, call your immediate family and closest friends with the news. Other friends and not-so-close relatives might appreciate a heartfelt email with the good news and your engagement story.

2A so-called friend left a snarky comment on your Facebook wall about your ring photos.

Those ring photos that you posted in postengagement bliss? Apparently, a sapphire is "just not their style."

Our advice: Take the high road and ignore the comment. This would be the perfect time to clean closet and hide this person from your feed. (PS: We think sapphires are stunning.)

3People assume they're invited to your wedding because you're Facebook friends.

For some, it's hard to draw the line between friend and Facebook friend. Those who aren't invited will inevitably post on your wall about their wedding invitation that's lost in the mail. 

Our advice: Refrain from sharing every detail of your wedding on Facebook. If (and when) you get the self-invited guest post on your wall, let them know that your venue and budget can only allow for a certain number of guests. (Hint: It's not them.)

4Some think that Facebook is the new RSVP card.

It's hard to believe but we've heard of more than one couple who's received a casual, "We'll be there. And so will our four-plus guests," Facebook message. 

Our advice: Respond by asking them to return their card (that one with the stamp). This would also be the perfect time to politely inform them that you've reserved two seats in their honor and can't wait to party together on your wedding day.

5Facebook has made prewedding party privacy a thing of the past.

The bridal shower photos that were posted by your maid of honor might have a third cousin peeved because she didn't get an invite. And those bachelorette pics from your not-so-innocent Vegas trip gave everyone from your office a good laugh. 

Our advice: Everyone loves sharing photos from wedding events -- you'll have tons of fun ones throughout your engagement. Create a wedding group on Facebook from the beginning to avoid hurt feelings and oversharing.

19 Problems Every Bride Deals With

1Q. How do I accommodate all the vegans, diabetics, Kosher-keepers, people with food allergies or who are on Atkins or

South Beach, and the just-don't-like-exotic-food types?
A. It's impossible to foresee every single wedding guest's dietary needs and preferences. Your best bet is to choose one or

two basic meat entrees and one meat-free entree, which will make vegetarians, dieters and picky eaters alike happy. Or

consider having a buffet- or family-style meal that includes a variety of foods that will please everyone's palate, and let

guests choose what they would like to and are able to eat. And remember that most people with specific food requirements

don't expect special treatment when they attend a wedding.

2Sneaky Savings
Q. What are some ways to trim the budget without sacrificing the things I want?
A. There are so many ways to cut costs without affecting your overall vision for your wedding. Of course, the fastest way

to slash prices is to cut your guest list. This will reduce your catering costs, invitations and even the number of

centerpieces and amount of decor you'll need. You can also save a big chunk of change by booking an off-peak season wedding

date or by having your wedding on any day of the week but Saturday. Some other sneaky ways to save? Hold your ceremony and

reception in one spot -- it will cut travel time for vendors you pay by the hour, along with transportation costs. Choose

flowers that are in-season and swap out costly flowers, like peonies, for look-alikes, like garden roses. Offer beer, wine

and a signature cocktail instead of a full bar. Serve comfort foods like barbecued chicken, mac and cheese, and corn --

it's trendy and often cheaper. Order a small or two-tiered cake for the cutting and then supplement it with a larger sheet

cake (hidden back in the kitchen). And wherever possible, reuse ceremony decor at your reception.


3Invitation Equality
Q. If I went to someone's wedding, am I obligated to invite them to mine?
A. It's your party -- if you don't want them there, don't feel guilted into sending an invite. Simply explain that your

wedding is going to be very small, and with two families to accommodate, it's just impossible to invite everyone you want

to. This might be a difficult conversation, but if they like and respect you enough to have invited you to their wedding,

they should understand where you're coming from.


4Engagement Party Etiquette
Q. Who is supposed to host our engagement party (and can we throw one ourselves)? And is it rude to have more than one?
A. Anyone can host an engagement party, although traditionally, the bride's parents host the first soiree. But more and

more couples are opting to throw their own engagement parties these days, so go for it! Also, you don't have to stop at

just one party. If you and your fiance want to have a party for your friends and family, your parents can have a separate

one later. The more the merrier!

5Footing the Bill
Q. Both my fiance's parents and my parents have agreed to help us pay for the wedding. Now how do we figure out who foots

the bill for what?
A. In days of yore (okay, as recently as the 1980s), the rules about who pays for what were much more strict. The bride's

family took care of the invitations, wedding consultant, gown and accessories, reception (including site, food, flowers,

photographer, videographer and music) and transportation. The groom's family paid for the marriage license, officiant,

bride's bouquet, boutonnieres, rehearsal dinner and honeymoon. Today, the division of financial duties is far more fluid.

Maybe one side feels strongly about the flowers, while the other side feels strongly about the band -- so go ahead and

split it up that way. See what's on your agenda; then find ways to make it even.


6Tradition Trade-Off
Q. My parents want us to have a traditional wedding, but we definitely don't. What should we do?
A. It's your wedding, and you should do it the way you want -- but keep in mind that it's a big day for your parents too.

Take their opinions into consideration, especially if they're paying for -- or helping to pay for -- the wedding. If you're

set on a city hall wedding and dinner, maybe you can do that and then have a church ceremony and reception with the works

the next day. Or maybe you're willing to nix the judge and have a minister marry you, as long as you get the intimate

reception. Sit down together and try to decide what's most important to everyone, then come up with a game plan that

everyone can live with.


7Tasteless Toasts
Q. At a friend's wedding, someone got ahold of the mic and delivered a drunken, inappropriate and unexpected toast. How can

I stop this from happening at my wedding?
A. Make sure your event planner, day-of coordinator and/or emcee knows specifically who is delivering each wedding toast,

in what order. And most important, lend specific instructions to the holder of the microphone (in most instances, your

bandleader or DJ) that they are not, under any circumstances, to hand the mic over to any other guest.


8Budgeting Bridesmaids
Q. A couple of my bridesmaids have complained about how expensive their dresses and other costs are adding up to be. How

should I deal?
A. Be considerate. It's likely that your maids will only wear this dress for a few hours, so don't make them hock their car

to be a part of your wedding. Choose a dress that's reasonably priced -- have them tell you what reasonable is -- or work

together with your party to find a dress that's within both their style and budget. Brides aren't required to pay for the

dresses, but if you want to spring for something pricey, consider adding it on to your own budget or paying for half. Try

to mitigate expenses elsewhere too -- if they're buying the dresses, don't make them also buy jewelry and shoes.

9Inviting the Boss
Q. I don't plan on inviting my boss or any of my coworkers, and I'm concerned they'll take it personally. Any advice?
A. You are under no obligation to invite your boss, or anyone for that matter, to your wedding. To avoid any false

expectations or hurt feelings, make it known to your coworkers and boss that your wedding is going to be limited to family

and close friends only. The fact that no one from work is being invited will help everyone, especially your boss, avoid

feeling excluded. It would also probably be smart to keep wedding talk in the workplace to a minimum.


10Giftless Guests
Q. Should we send thank-you cards to guests who came to our wedding but didn't give us cards or gifts?
A. All attendees deserve a handwritten thank-you—regardless of whether they gave you a gift. Now before you roll your eyes

and ignore this advice, remember: Guests may have taken time off from work to be there. Keep it simple and say something

like, "Thanks for coming! It meant so much that you could be there to celebrate with us." Try to include something personal

too, like how you loved their dance moves or the joke they told in the receiving line. Just resist the temptation to throw

in a "PS: We're registered at Macy's."

11RSVP Radio Silence
Q. If some guests don't RSVP, should we call them to find out if they'll come? Or can we assume that they're not coming?
A. As far as final head count goes, you should never assume. Call to see if they're coming. You never know -- maybe they

think they sent the response card, but it may be hiding under a pile of mail. If calling is a problem, assume that they're

coming and make sure there's enough food and seats for them. It's better to have extra grub and room than it is to have

neglected guests wondering where to sit!


12The Date Debate
Q. I invited my friend and her boyfriend (by name on the invite), but they recently broke up. Now she wants to bring

someone I don't like. Can I tell her no?
A. Because you worded the invitation correctly by having her boyfriend's name on the envelope (rather than "and guest"),

you have every right to say no. As a rule, invitations are nontransferable when people are invited by name. Try explaining

that you're not friendly with the guest and that you'd prefer that the guest list be limited to very good friends and

family. If you invited all of your single friends sans dates, let her know she won't be the only one coming solo (in case

that's her worry).


13Bridal Shower Guest List

Q. Who should I invite and not invite to my bridal shower? I don't want it to seem like a ploy to get lots of gifts.

A. You don't have to invite every woman who's invited to your wedding (think of the expense for your bridesmaids if you

did!). The guest list should include your closest female pals and relatives (and your fiance's mom, sis and other close

female friends and family). As for far-flung guests, sending a shower invite is a nice gesture even if you know they can't

attend -- it shows them that they're important to you and that you would've wanted them there.




14Registry Rules
Q. What's the politest way to let people know where we've registered?
A. Word of mouth is the best way to loop everyone in on your registry. Make sure your wedding party and parents know so

they can clue in guests who ask. It's okay to include the link to your wedding web page in your invites. And conveniently

enough, that's where you can post info like your registries. And remember that if people ask you where you're registered --

or even what you would like as a gift -- it's okay for you to tell them the names of the stores. By and large, you

shouldn't worry about it too much. People will ask and let others know.

15Odd One Out
Q. Let's just say there's a black sheep in my family. Should I feel obligated to invite her to my wedding?
A. Though you shouldn't feel obligated, you should definitely give it some serious thought. Talk to your parents and any

siblings about it and see what they think. If inviting her is going to cause you or your immediate family a lot of grief on

your wedding day, then don't. On the other hand, if her presence isn't going to adversely affect you, and her not getting

invited might create even more of a problem, then extend an invitation. Remember, just because you invite her doesn't mean

she'll come.


16Planning for No-Shows
Q. I've heard that typically 10 -- if not 20 -- percent of guests won't actually show up. Should I budget for the cost of

how many people I think will actually show up, instead of the cost of my entire wedding guest list?
A. In a word: No. This is a case where you should definitely err on the side of caution. While it's true that chances are

slim every last guest who RSVPs “yes” will definitely be able to make it to your wedding, it will be a huge headache for

you to scrounge up seats and plates if more guests than you planned for show up. The solution? Cut down your guest list to

a size your budget can manage, and until every last RSVP card has come in (and every last phone call to track down those

errant replies has gone out), assume that they're all going to be there.


17Plus-One Problems
Q. We're on a tight budget. Is it okay to invite single guests but not give them plus-ones?
A. Deal with this problem on a case-by-case basis. If you have unmarried friends and relatives in long-term relationships,

consider inviting their partners. (Even though they're not married, they're committed.) Then, invite your more single

friends and relatives without dates, rather than crossing them off your wedding guest list altogether. If anyone complains,

simply explain your dilemma: It was important that they be there, but that you couldn't afford to invite dates. Then,

carefully consider where to seat them at the wedding; they may not want to get stuck at a table full of couples.


18Hungry Vendors
Q. My wedding photographer told me that she and her assistant expect meals during the wedding reception. Am I supposed to

pay for their wedding meals, plus meals for other vendors, like the wedding band I hired?
A. It's nice to feed your wedding professionals if they're going to be working a four- to six-hour ceremony and reception.

But if your photographer expects a meal, she should include that in her contract. Also remember that your caterer will make

more food than is needed, "just in case," so there will likely be plenty for your wedding professionals to munch on. Or

arrange for your caterer to put together a quick platter for the photographer, musicians and others -- simple sandwiches

will do.


19No Kids Allowed
Q. Is it okay to have an adults-only (18 and up) guest list? If so, how do we spread the news?
A. It's completely legitimate to want an adults-only reception, especially for an evening affair. And most parents of young

children will jump at the chance for a night out without the kids. Even so, this is a sensitive topic, and putting "adult

reception" on your invites is a little too in-your-face, so take a more subtle tack. First, tell your parents, wedding

party and other close relatives and friends, so they can spread the word if any guests ask them. Second, the people whose

names are on your invitations are the only people invited to the wedding ("Mr. and Mrs. John Doe" means just the couple;

"The Doe Family" means little Suzie can come too). Most guests will take note of this and RSVP for just themselves. If they

RSVP for kids too, call them and explain that because of "budget constraints" (always the best excuse, even if it's not

true), you decided to invite only adults. Try to understand that some may be genuinely surprised or hurt, and be

understanding, but don't give in -- if you say yes once, the requests will start pouring in.

10 Ways to Make Sure Your Wedding Isn't Boring

Attending a wedding may be a privilege, but sometimes it's not always a pleasure. The last thing a bride and groom want is

for their wedding guests to spend the reception checking their watches. Here are 10 tips to keep any wedding guest yawns at

bay.
1. Make introductions at the rehearsal.
A wedding brings together two families and sets of friends -- which usually means a big group of people who don't know each

other awkwardly attempting small talk. The solution? Invite relatives and out-of-town guests to the rehearsal dinner to

break the ice, and introduce those who might have common interests. (That uncle who always loved Top Gun? Definitely link

him to your fiance's fighter pilot cousin). By the time the wedding rolls around, your guests will have met in a more

relaxed atmosphere the evening before and (hopefully) keep the conversations going at the reception.
2. Stick to the schedule.
No one expects things to run with military precision (especially when it comes to rushing your older relatives), but you

don't want to force your guests to idle around while you take your formal wedding pictures. This is where the cocktail hour

comes in. Set up a lounge or shady courtyard for your guests to mingle, and equip the area with snacks, drinks, plenty of

places to sit, and even a little music to set the mood and keep the party atmosphere alive.
3. Don't let guests go hungry.
Two words: hors d'oeuvres. Even if you plan on serving a full dinner at your reception, it's a good idea to have a few

nibbles for your guests to nosh on while they wait for you and your new spouse to make your grand entrance -- lest your

guests get bored and cranky. Mini empanadas, soup shooters, vegetable skewers, even fried macaroni and cheese balls are all

great options (go for one-bite appetizers so guests can chat while they snack). Your guests will be refreshed from the

ceremony -- and grateful for the sustenance.
4. Plan an exit strategy.
If you really want guests to be able to enjoy themselves at your reception, arrange for transportation to get them home

safely afterward. Some couples choose to throw their reception in a hotel banquet hall and block off rooms for their

guests, while others hire a shuttle service to run throughout the night. This extra consideration gives guests the freedom

to relax (drink) without worrying about getting home safely when the party wraps up.
5. Consider your venue.
Of course, your budget will be a huge factor in determining where you throw your wedding, but picking an interesting

reception site can go a long way toward keeping guests entertained. Many science museums will let you rent out their

exhibit areas, and zoos often have banquet areas with the animals in full view. Even an otherwise bland reception space can

be dressed up with dramatic decor or specialty entertainment (like a photo booth), so be sure to talk to your site manager

about your options.
6. Work your seating chart.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than being the one couple at a table where you don't know anyone and everyone else went

to high school together -- particularly if you can see friends laughing it up five tables away. A well-played seating chart

is a cost-free way to make sure your guests spend time with people they like -- or even to set them up with someone new!
7. Put a time limit on toasts.
Yes, it's nice to hear words of encouragement and well wishes, but unless your friends are moonlighting as stand-up

comedians, an overly long toast can easily go from sentimental to excruciating. Limit the number and length of toasts to a

few key guests (think: maid of honor, best man, your parents), and let everyone get back to the party.
8. Bring in the...clowns?
Remember that scary clown/magician from your eighth birthday party? Today's specialty performers are nothing like that. The

options for wedding entertainment span from tricked-out DJs to belly dancers to singing waiters -- these people are pros at

making sure weddings aren't boring.
9. Think beyond wedding cake.
Wedding cakes are still a staple, but consider expanding the selection for those with a sweet tooth -- we're talking a full

dessert bar with everything from whoopie pies, truffles, cupcakes, candies, along with local delicacies like fried Oreos or

black-and-white cookies. The dessert bar can double as your wedding favor by setting out plastic bags or boxes for your

guests to take a snack for the road.
10. Relax -- seriously.
Planning a wedding can be stressful, but when the day arrives, everyone will have more fun if you can overlook any little

mishaps (and there's always something that goes slightly awry) and let loose. Think about it: Do you have fun at parties

where the host is incessantly on edge? To avoid sabotaging your good mood, assign any last-minute tasks to a bridesmaid,

relative, or your wedding planner -- and designate a friend who, if they observe you getting stressed, will ply you with a

cocktail or two.